๐ฅFrenemies
The word frenemy looks like a recent invention but it has a surprisingly long pedigree. It was first used in print by the British writer Jessica Mitford in a 1977 essay, who herself credited her sister Nancy Mitford with coining it in 1953 to describe the strange affection some of their friends had for figures they also competed against. From there it traveled through pop culture: Time Magazine used it in 1953 as well in a piece about US Soviet relations, and it stayed in occasional use until the early 2000s when shows like Sex and the City and later Mean Girls (2004) brought it back into the everyday vocabulary. By the time Gen Z came of age, frenemy had become one of the most precise words in the social drama vocabulary: a friend you genuinely like, who is also quietly your rival, and who you would never fully trust with a serious secret. The frenemy dynamic is more common than people admit because most friendships have at least a little of it. The healthier ones acknowledge the competition openly and laugh about it. The unhealthier ones pretend it does not exist while it slowly poisons the bond. On moomz we ran a poll once asking "do you have at least one frenemy in your group chat?" and around seventy percent of voters said yes, with a surprising number adding that the frenemy in question was the friend they would call first in a crisis. This page unpacks where the word came from, why the dynamic forms, and how to decide whether to keep, demote, or upgrade a frenemy.
Anatomy of the frenemy bond
A frenemy relationship usually combines four ingredients. One: shared history. You have known each other long enough that the friendship has real weight. Two: structural rivalry. You are competing in the same arena, whether that is grades, sports, looks, dating pool, or social status, and the comparison is unavoidable. Three: genuine affection. You really do like each other, and you would defend them to outsiders even while quietly hoping their next exam goes worse than yours. Four: subtle keeping score. You both track wins and losses, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. The combination produces a relationship that is more entertaining and more stressful than a normal friendship. Frenemies sharpen each other, they often push each other to higher achievement, and they occasionally betray each other in small ways that get rationalized as harmless. It is a genuinely interesting kind of bond, not just a toxic one.
When the frenemy dynamic turns toxic
The line between frenemy and fake friend is real but thin. A healthy frenemy is honest about the competition: you both laugh about who got the higher grade, you congratulate each other in public, and the rivalry stays mostly playful. A toxic frenemy hides the competition under a layer of sweetness while quietly undermining: sharing your secrets in other circles, hyping rivals more than you, sabotaging your opportunities, then love bombing you when you confront them. The tell is in moments of your big wins: a healthy frenemy is genuinely happy for you with a side of envy they openly admit. A toxic one goes cold, shifts the topic, or finds something to criticize. Gen Z has gotten good at running this test in real time, because the social media era forces everyone to perform happiness about others' wins constantly, and the genuine ones can be distinguished from the performative ones with a little observation.
Should you keep your frenemy?
Sometimes yes. Healthy frenemies can be among the most stimulating relationships in your life. They keep you sharp, they understand your ambitions in a way more passive friends do not, and the shared history is real. The key is being honest about the dynamic with yourself and ideally with them. The frenemies who turn into lifelong friends are usually the ones who, around age twenty five, have an honest conversation that goes something like "we spent ten years competing and pretending we did not" and then laugh about it. The frenemies who turn into actual enemies are the ones who never have that conversation and let the resentment compound. On moomz our take is that pretending the competition does not exist is the actual problem, not the competition itself. Name it, joke about it, and you usually get to keep the friendship.
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Frequently asked
Q.Who actually coined the word frenemy?+
The British writer Jessica Mitford used it in print in a 1977 essay and credited her sister Nancy Mitford with coining it in 1953. Time Magazine independently used the word that same year in a piece about US Soviet relations. The term sat in occasional use until the early 2000s when American pop culture, especially Sex and the City and Mean Girls, brought it back into the mainstream vocabulary.
Q.What is the difference between a frenemy and a fake friend?+
A frenemy genuinely likes you while also competing with you, and the competition is mostly out in the open. A fake friend does not actually like you and uses the friendship for access, status, or material gain. Most frenemies will show up for you in a real crisis; most fake friends will not. The competition itself is not the disqualifier, the underlying affection is.
Q.Can a frenemy ever become a real friend?+
Yes, often, especially around the mid twenties when most life arenas stop being zero sum. The transition usually requires an explicit conversation acknowledging the rivalry rather than pretending it never existed. The frenemies who survive into real adult friendship are the ones who learn to celebrate each other's wins genuinely once the structural competition fades.
Q.Should I just cut my frenemies off?+
Not necessarily. Cutting off every frenemy would mean cutting off some of your most stimulating and historically rich relationships. The better move is to be honest about the dynamic with yourself, set quiet limits (do not share your biggest vulnerabilities with them), and enjoy what the friendship is good for, which is usually intellectual sparring and shared history rather than emotional intimacy.